No matter what happened, what path I took as I began my adult life, I knew it could never be as pleasant as the life I previously held. Last August to December in particular were very enjoyable lifestyles for me. I had no job and no school to attend, and it shames me to say how much I enjoyed it.

My nature is that of laziness. It’s something I’ve been fighting for over a decade now and it isn’t something that will get any easier. If it gets easier, then that side of me has won, and if that happens, there is no reason for me to exist.

I’ve always defined my life in terms of my accomplishments — past and future. My achievements so far have been paltry, especially in terms of what I dream I will attain one day. It is that burning passion to realize my imagined destiny that has guided me through my adult life so far.

Yes, my life half a year ago was easier and more enjoyable. But it wasn’t sustainable, and I knew that. I knew it couldn’t last, and I knew it shouldn’t last if I were to become the person I needed to be. But that doesn’t make this process any more comforting.

This has happened before, actually. Before I was in high school, there was a brief period of a few months where I wasn’t in any school. And I loved it, even in spite of the events that lead to it.

And I realized the horrifying truth that I would willingly choose that path all over again.

Guilt seems to follow me around these days. Some days are better than others. And I get meta-guilt from feeling guilty. What ground do I have to stand on and feel this way? I have it all. My current life has very little room for improvement. I’m at least proud of that, and know my family is, too.

And that’s what it comes down to right now. My future plans are a solid motivator, but in the present, what pushes me on is my family, and knowing how much my being successful means to them.

Even if it means I can’t see them that much.

Even if I can feel myself being torn from them.

Even if I go along with it.

-Andrew

She was the original inspiration for the Temple of Andrex, which eventually led to my interest in web development and my current position. This blog, too, in fact was based on her own blog originally.

She got my into anime and manga, which comprise a significant part of my tastes in media. She can’t get credit for getting me into video games, but without her GameBoy, I would have definitely missed out on some of my favorites. And her fervor for Ocarina of Time definitely roped me back into the Zelda series with Wind Waker, after I had been at risk of falling away after Link to the Past.

The point is, I owe a lot of my self to her, and I feel bad about her current situation. She’s had a hard year, I mean the rest of my family has too with my dad losing his job and all of us moving out leaving my mom feeling more alone, and I can’t possibly know how high school is for a girl (personally for me, it was awesome, but my younger sister is always involved in some world-ending event.) But Ashley crushes my heart. She is of course responsible for her decisions, we all are. But I think she deserves better.

It was like, all my life I had been on this dark path, and I couldn’t see anything. And the path was laden with rocks, and pitfalls, and trees. But a little bit ahead was Ashley, and I could see her. I could see her trip, and fall, and walk into the trees. I memorized the pattern, and was able to avoid most of the traps and snares she was prey to.

I guess it doesn’t feel fair that I have this extra wisdom and foreknowledge when she didn’t.

I don’t know what started this whole diatribe, but I felt it was necessary. I also don’t think I’m done with this topic, this June is this blog’s seventh birthday and that’s a very important date. For a quick recap, I promised I’d keep this blog going for seven years, wondering what it would have been like if Ashley had kept hers going that long. This June I step out of that shadow, but then I’ll no longer have a guide on the road ahead.

Can I walk using just my own two feet?
-Andrew

But I’m talking about Daylight Savings because now, finally, it’s staying light later. It had been creeping up bit by bit until now, but this one hour boost has really set things off. And I believe this is my turning point up here. I’m mostly adjusted now, and all the responsibilities I had to fulfill after moving have been, for the most part. With it staying lighter longer, I’m suddenly filled with a kind of hope.

I wish I could transcribe all my thoughts here, but even trying to hit the key points, I think this post comes off as schizophrenic… probably hard to follow. I’ll try to have more soon.
-Andrew

Take that as a brag if you want, even though I’m not writing it as one.

I’m not homesick, although I do miss home. I think I might start being homesick within a week or two, though.

My life has improved very rapidly over the last month. Too rapidly. Suddenly I’m in the clouds with angels while my family is dragged further down into the earth.

Last Thursday I got a call about a job offer. I had to laugh. Crazy. There’s no good reason for me to have this much job security. I was worried the past few weeks about what I’d do if I didn’t have this job — the deposit on this apartment would, if not sink me and my family, attach a sturdy anchor. But although I’m relieved in my prospects, I’m guilty about how well off I am now.

I’m actually glad I don’t come from a family of means, I can actually sort of feign and say I was able to make a life for myself. But that’s disingenuous, what got me here today was goofing off. Really, that’s all it was. The Temple of Andrex was really the start of this madness. That site! Of all the sites to mark the genesis of my entire career, it’s that site. An arrogant, self-serving tribute site to myself. My friends worked hard in high school. Me? I think I can count the number of times I actually did homework at home on my hands. I had to re-take geometry, and had to drop physics. I was always distracted with goofy software and website designs. Even my computer science class I didn’t do crazy well in. Maybe if there was a web development class, that would have been something I could have focused on.

If this were a meritocracy, I’d be out on the street right now.

These thoughts have been swelling ever since I accepted my new job, but today was what cracked the whole thing open.

My dad has been working part time at a company for the past year, hoping to get hired by them.

Today he was told he will no longer be working there in two weeks.

I could barely type those words. My dad is the hardest-working person I know. We went to college together (him being a year ahead of me.) He got on the dean’s list, and, well, actually graduated. Me? My last semester there consisted of dropping half my classes and not graduating when I was supposed to (for reasons mostly unrelated to the class dropping.)

This isn’t fair, this isn’t right. I told myself I knew the world was an unjust place but it never really sunk in. This example, however, can’t be ignored. That’s to say nothing of my sister, brother in law, and niece, who live in a dinky trailer. You know what just happened to them? Their furnace broke, so now it’s the warm temperature of 35 degrees inside.

I wrote in Icon that my present situation is good because it inspires hope in my family, but as time goes on, will that always be the case? I can’t imagine that nobody will ever be jealous of me. And I deserve it.

I wish things were different.
-Andrew

For some background, I can walk to the subway station if I need to, but a bus comes by my street twice about every hour. Before, I had often missed this bus (both to and from the station.) Well, “missed” meaning I got confused at the schedules and route numbers and stops and… ugh. To not go into it too much, Boston is a major city, and its public transportation is complicated. In fact, on Tuesday I took the wrong bus and ended up wasting two whole hours as I sat waiting for it to take me back to where I got on (actually though, it did drop my off at my street! After it had returned to the station.)

But not today. Today I sorted everything out. I made sure of it. I waited about 10 minutes and caught the bus to the station, then got on an inbound subway train. The subway is actually easy. Right at my station, it branches into Braintree and Ashmont. However, I don’t have to worry about that. So I can ride both Braintree and Ashmont subway trains, which means I never have to wait more than ten minutes to get a train to and from work. Often I have to wait less than five.

Then I got to work. On the previous two days I had been doing actual, you know, “work.” That is, HTML and programming stuff. And I think I moved quicker than they were expecting, but in any case, today I solved some bugs and made the feature I had been working on more robust. We tested it for a bit, then I committed it and marked it as complete. My first task, done! Onto the next one.

Guess what? I knocked that one out before I left too! Well, sort of. It needs to be tested and I’m not ecstatic about its implementation, but it works. The functionality is there and it works exactly as expected (it was more of a bug fix than anything — the bug didn’t break anything, but made doing something harder on the user.) So yeah, I was riding pretty darn high. Since I made a habit of mentioning lunch, me and three others got some Thai vegetarian take-out. I got a mango salad, it was good and sweet but also sort of tasted like grass… Kinda odd.

So then it comes time to leave work, and I’ve been dreading it since the buses home have consistently given me trouble. Before then, I had only rode on one bus that took me home — and even then, I got off a stop before I was supposed to! As mentioned, before, I had either gotten on the wrong one (just one time) or just walked home (which is about 15 minutes and involves crossing several busy streets in the dark and cold.) It’s easier in the morning, just get on the bus going past the street towards the station. But the evening buses are a little harder, I had to research and deduce which would bring me home. It also doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure the buses make a habit of being five minutes earlier than their schedules online say they’ll be, but I’ve been making a habit of leaving five minutes earlier for that exact reason.

Anyways, I leave work. And I remember that I have to buy a train ticket back to Connecticut for Friday, which kinda makes me nervous since I didn’t plan buying the ticket into my get-home schedule. So I hustle there and buy the ticket, then rush downstairs to where the outbound subway trains come. I get off the last step as the train pulls to a stop and opens its doors. Phew, made it.

It’s 5:54, which means I have 16 minutes to get to my bus at 6:10. Well, 11 minutes, since you know, five minutes early and all that. I don’t sweat it though, there’s only three short stops until my station, JFK/UMass. I get off and it’s 6:02, leaving me three minutes to get to the bus, which is actually sort of a trek. But I get there, the bus comes, I sit down and check my watch. 6:05. No kidding?

Four minutes later I’m at the entrance to the area my apartment building is in. I remember to attempt to find the laundry card refill machine, since I attempted to fill it Tuesday but the one I had previously seen was broken (which just added to the horribleness of that night.) But I do find the second machine, and it does work. I arrive at my apartment, make dinner, watch TV, do laundry, and finally play some Monster Hunter (which I only did once since I’ve moved, and I’ve been meaning to play more.)

Overall, a pretty awesome day. It’s sort of odd that I call what would be to most people here a normal day “awesome,” but hey, I’ll take it! I think I’m finally finding a good routine here in Boston.
-Andrew

PS- The writing style in this post is quite interesting to contrast to my other one; this one uses a style like I used for my very early blog posts. Just read the quote at the end of the other post, it’s definitely similar. I like playing with styles like this.

Edit- This is my blog’s 151st post! Remember how excited I was when I passed 100? Wait, that was exactly two years ago?! Seems like yesterday! As for comments, there are now 260! Wow! That’s over double the amount when I made that last post! I am simply in awe. Thank you, everyone, for joining me on my journey. I would not have made it so far without all of you.

There’s really too much to really go over, but this week has seen me reach some of my highest highs and lowest lows. Things have been pretty crazy.

I’m on a train right now to spend the weekend at my “old” home after my first week in the real world, at a real job.

I left off at Monday, right? Tuesday was basically more of that, we went out to a Sushi place for lunch that time. I was considering being brave and opening my taste buds to a new world now that I had basically started a new life (sushi was never something I craved, and I hadn’t eaten any in years.) However, I chickened out and went with some beef teriyaki. Right now I think I need some familiarity to ease into this new life a bit. I can go crazy a bit later when I’m more established.

Wednesday was also similar, but I ate alone. There’s a McDonald’s in South Station five minutes away that I know will become one of my most visited places. I got a salad on Thursday and brought it back (was basically just lettuce and dressing… at least give me some tomatoes! There wasn’t enough dressing, either…)

During all this time I’ve been basically doing two things: setting up my computer for development, and doing community/support training. You may think this is odd, as did I, but I agree with them that it’s important to know the website’s users as much as possible, to assess what they want and complain about (or what they will complain about if we change.) Community training is… an experience, but not a bad one. However, setting up my computer was just… crushing. By Thursday I still hadn’t gotten it to work, while my two other new coworkers had. It was very demoralizing.

If you could have heard my thoughts on the walk home that night… oh man. I was questioning everything: why I had come here, why I thought I could do this job, why I thought it would last, why I thought I could make it on my own. And those thoughts still aren’t completely gone but I know they will in time.

So I came in today, Friday, and sat down and tried everything over from scratch. Something clicked, and it worked! The booger in my life’s nose had finally dislodged. This was pretty much the greatest pick-me-up ever. Now I could really start crack-a-lackin’.

In addition to that, and finally being able to engage coworkers on the task I had been assigned, I finished up community training. Today’s “class” was actually pretty great, we had devolved to talking about old movies, politics, ancient history, and a lot more by the end of it.

I think I’m really going to like it here. The first week was as rough as I had imagined, but I’ve survived. And now I can hit the ground running next week.
-Andrew

I bring this up because I feel like there are very strong parallels between then and now. Today, it was the first day of my new job, instead of high school. But in many ways they’re very similar.

Like I’ve mentioned a couple of times, the “me” that entered high school is basically the same “me” as now. This “me” is definitely different from my childhood “me,” but otherwise I would consider my mind, ideals, thinking, and sense of humor largely the same as that kid on the bus in 2005. And today reminded me just how alike we are. Boarding that bus in late August 2005 was the same feeling as getting on the subway earlier today. The exact same.

But let me tell it right.

Today I awoke extra early — at around 7am — to make it to work at 9:30. I gave myself as much breathing room as possible, as I’ve learned the hard way how much it sucks to rush to important places. After boarding the bus (and accidentally paying for it twice) and being taken about three minutes away, I boarded the subway. Three stops and about fifteen minutes later, I’m in South Station. Lots of restaurants, many of them closed, but hey, McDonald’s is always an option, right? Forty minutes to eat, or rather, twenty to eat and forty until work. Even though the building was seven minutes walking distance from South Station, again, I gave myself some time.

I take out my netbook, but the internet is paid. Drat. I play solitaire as I take three bites of my McMuffin. My nervousness makes it hard to stomach anymore.

It worked out, I think. I arrived at 9:21, before the other two new recruits, and set about reading the litany of paperwork I needed to acknowledge and agree to. I decided to take it home since about half of it is insurance-related, and that’s an area I definitely need parental advice on. We’re planning a Skype video chat later in the week to resolve things.

From there, the other two arrived. Everyone’s nice. Some personality’s you click with more than others, but the ratio is pretty high here I feel. I definitely think the three of us newbies are banding together (as much as three people who have known each other for nine hours can.) It’ll be interesting to come back to this post and see how all these relationships have progressed.

R&D meeting at 10. About 15-20 people crammed into a tiny office room about as large as my apartment. It heats up quick. I suddenly feel I’m both overdressed (sweating! bad!) and underdressed in my red hoodie. But I’m not worrying too much, since the email I got seemed to have given the OK. For the near future though I’ll try to look very slightly more professional.

Everyone around the room goes over what they’ve been working on. The three of us introduce ourselves, as best we can given the situation. Meeting lets out, and from there I go to finish reading all the paperwork.

Lunchtime. A group of coworkers decide to go out and eat lunch together, a rarity I was told. Seems like for the most part people are solitary eaters. Makes sense to me, but I enjoyed the experience of walking together in a group and eating and talking. The nervousness at South Station that was mostly gone after entering the office is now entirely departed. I’m still a bit guarded but it now feels like I’ve known these people for days, not minutes.

Back to the office, I go about setting up my development environment and customizing my computer. Lots of stuff to setup. Time passes and at this point, it feels a bit like college. Sitting in a room with other young adults, staring at our monitors as time ticks by. By the time six rolls around, half of the coworkers have left (with me to join them shortly.) However I still have a component or two to setup on my computer. Mom texts, asking if I’m home yet — I told her I’d be out by 6. After about twenty minutes of futzing with the system and getting advice from the two other newbies, I decide to cut my losses and finish up tomorrow — hopefully with some help. Very few coworkers are left now as I leave.

Boston at night, unsurprisingly, looks different from Boston in the day. I become disoriented trying to find South Station again, two blocks away. But it isn’t long before I do, and from there it’s three stops again before I start walking the 13 minutes back to my apartment. I could have taken the bus if I had left earlier, but I don’t mind. It feels mild, even with the darkness and wind. I figure it around 55 degrees.

I imagine unlocking my apartment doors will keep giving my trouble for some time yet. But it’s not really a big deal. Inside my apartment it’s an inferno. I shuck off my coat and hoodie before grabbing a drink and calling mom and dad.

And so the worst is over, I think. At least this “kind” of worse, of having so much being unknown. That “worst” is almost impossible to deal with. Bad news could be “worst” but at least you know what it’s about.

There’s still some unknowns of course, questions and inquiries. I imagine it’ll be at least a month before they all slip away and I start the grind. But taking those first steps is always the hardest part.
-Andrew

PS- This entry’s writing style is new for me and I don’t know what to think… wasn’t a conscious decision. Who knew I could write a narrative? For comparison, here’s an excerpt from that protected November 2005 post:

Well, it’s been a heck of a two months, I’ll say that. I’ll try to start where I left off. So at 4:40 AM I got up for my first day, and it was POURING outside. Like floodwaters. So after five or so agonizing minutes, the bus came. I got on, pulled out my CD player, and waited for school…

…So I got settled in and found my classes. I wish I could go into greater detail, but I can’t because I can’t remember and it’s too much stuff to right anyways, even for me. So, it’s cool because during lunch you can do anything you want. Walk around, talk to people over the huge campus, and even eat!

…The campus has got to be half a mile long, and when you’e on the third floor of one building at one end of campus trying to get to the second floor of another building on the other side of campus all within five minutes, trying to dodge the idiotic students stopping in front of you or walking so slowly you want to push them down and run past them, it get’s stressful. Plus you got 20+ lbs. of books in your bag… Which reminds me! On like the fourth day, when I started driving my truck, (it broke down and we fixed it), one of my backpack straps broke, so all day I had to dash to class with my backpack slumped. Then on the walk home, (cause the truck done broke down!) the other strap broke. Do I have the best of luck or what?

Out of home. Out of state. Into a new world.

As this blog chronicled, I’ve been incredibly scared. But the sheer fear is slowly giving way to resolve.

More than anything, I realized I need to do this to give my family hope. This may be beating my own drum a bit, but me getting this job is probably the best thing to happen to anyone in my immediate family for years and years. And years. Me doing this is important to giving them something to be happy of, proud of. And that may sound self-centered, but I’m a 20-year old on the cusp of life, what did you expect?

My overall emotions are also turning slightly towards a kind of giddy pride; I’ve always felt like I was one step or one year behind everyone else. Case in point: even if I were in college at the moment, I’d be at least a semester behind everyone else (if I wanted a bachelor’s degree.) All the friends I graduated with are in their junior years of college. In high school, it seemed like everyone was in honor’s, or a special program, or on top of grades and homework.

But now, with this… I’m out there, in the real world. In the sea of the job market. And I’ve been reeled in by a great company. I’m going to be doing work I love, for great pay, and good benefits.

I have a two-year head start on all my friends. And that makes me excited. Imagine the difference those two years are doing to make!

I couldn’t have imagined two years ago what I’d be doing in a few days, but I know it’s a good thing. And I definitely can’t look into two years from now, but I’m hopeful at the possibilities.

The future is now.
- Andrew

I found one. I’ll be moving to Boston in six days.

It’s late. And I still don’t know what to think. But I wanted to get this out there.

I’m still scared. But in a way I’m also relieved. I’m scared of the unknown, and about half the unknown is now, well, known. That’s nice. There’s still a lot of factors I don’t know, but I’m going to take things one day at a time. Humorously, a big comforting factor on the way back today was realizing I have my own bathroom. I don’t know why that calmed me, but it has.

But I… don’t know. Man, I don’t know.

As irresolute as I am, I know there’s definitely no going back now. Paperwork has been signed, money’s been exchanged. This is happening. I have to make the best of this split.
-Andrew

If I was midway through crawling out of the window in my last entry, I am almost completely on the other side of it now.

Put simply, I got a job, and I’m going to be moving in the next three weeks. In three weeks, I’ll be living in a completely different room, completely different building, different state — for the first time since I moved as an infant. It’s from Connecticut to Boston, Massachusetts, less than two hours by driving. But it may as well be the length of the Earth to the moon as far as my perception goes.

This is big, this is huge. I want to put on a strong face, but the truth is I’m utterly scared, to my core. I’m scared of being on my own, I’m scared of having to report every day for work. I’m scared because I’m still really the same person I was when I entered high school. I foolishly thought that since I changed so much at once then, I didn’t need to change any further. So I didn’t get my license. And I didn’t really pursue retail or minimum wage jobs. And I didn’t live it up with my friends after high school.

But now, I’m having to change and learn everything at once, instead of incrementally. And it’s incredibly daunting.

Will I be able to do it? I don’t have a choice. My volition has nothing to do with it. I’m starting work in early February, and that’s that. I’ve already said yes. And I’m excited by the job and what I can do. But the work isn’t what’s keeping me up at night. It’s living on my own, and having somewhere to report to every day. And maybe the schedules too — I have no idea how quickly I’m expected to work, but I can adjust to that.

I’m very very excited at this job, and what it means for my future. And I know that I will adapt and change and in about two months, I’ll be fine and mostly settled in. But everything is all happening very fast.

Three weeks. That’s all I’ve got left on Earth. And then, it’s onto Wonderland.
-Andrew