I’m trying to be coherent but it’s quite late and I’m very tired. But this is a post I’ve needed to make for quite a bit now.
No matter what happened, what path I took as I began my adult life, I knew it could never be as pleasant as the life I previously held. Last August to December in particular were very enjoyable lifestyles for me. I had no job and no school to attend, and it shames me to say how much I enjoyed it.
My nature is that of laziness. It’s something I’ve been fighting for over a decade now and it isn’t something that will get any easier. If it gets easier, then that side of me has won, and if that happens, there is no reason for me to exist.
I’ve always defined my life in terms of my accomplishments — past and future. My achievements so far have been paltry, especially in terms of what I dream I will attain one day. It is that burning passion to realize my imagined destiny that has guided me through my adult life so far.
Yes, my life half a year ago was easier and more enjoyable. But it wasn’t sustainable, and I knew that. I knew it couldn’t last, and I knew it shouldn’t last if I were to become the person I needed to be. But that doesn’t make this process any more comforting.
This has happened before, actually. Before I was in high school, there was a brief period of a few months where I wasn’t in any school. And I loved it, even in spite of the events that lead to it.
And I realized the horrifying truth that I would willingly choose that path all over again.
Guilt seems to follow me around these days. Some days are better than others. And I get meta-guilt from feeling guilty. What ground do I have to stand on and feel this way? I have it all. My current life has very little room for improvement. I’m at least proud of that, and know my family is, too.
And that’s what it comes down to right now. My future plans are a solid motivator, but in the present, what pushes me on is my family, and knowing how much my being successful means to them.
Even if it means I can’t see them that much.
Even if I can feel myself being torn from them.
Even if I go along with it.