Objectively, my life in Boston is pretty sweet. Actually, it’s awesome. I have a nice apartment that’s always well heated, my own bathroom, and not an insignificant amount of disposable income. I do work that I love to do, and couldn’t ask for better coworkers.
Take that as a brag if you want, even though I’m not writing it as one.
I’m not homesick, although I do miss home. I think I might start being homesick within a week or two, though.
My life has improved very rapidly over the last month. Too rapidly. Suddenly I’m in the clouds with angels while my family is dragged further down into the earth.
Last Thursday I got a call about a job offer. I had to laugh. Crazy. There’s no good reason for me to have this much job security. I was worried the past few weeks about what I’d do if I didn’t have this job — the deposit on this apartment would, if not sink me and my family, attach a sturdy anchor. But although I’m relieved in my prospects, I’m guilty about how well off I am now.
I’m actually glad I don’t come from a family of means, I can actually sort of feign and say I was able to make a life for myself. But that’s disingenuous, what got me here today was goofing off. Really, that’s all it was. The Temple of Andrex was really the start of this madness. That site! Of all the sites to mark the genesis of my entire career, it’s that site. An arrogant, self-serving tribute site to myself. My friends worked hard in high school. Me? I think I can count the number of times I actually did homework at home on my hands. I had to re-take geometry, and had to drop physics. I was always distracted with goofy software and website designs. Even my computer science class I didn’t do crazy well in. Maybe if there was a web development class, that would have been something I could have focused on.
If this were a meritocracy, I’d be out on the street right now.
These thoughts have been swelling ever since I accepted my new job, but today was what cracked the whole thing open.
My dad has been working part time at a company for the past year, hoping to get hired by them.
Today he was told he will no longer be working there in two weeks.
I could barely type those words. My dad is the hardest-working person I know. We went to college together (him being a year ahead of me.) He got on the dean’s list, and, well, actually graduated. Me? My last semester there consisted of dropping half my classes and not graduating when I was supposed to (for reasons mostly unrelated to the class dropping.)
This isn’t fair, this isn’t right. I told myself I knew the world was an unjust place but it never really sunk in. This example, however, can’t be ignored. That’s to say nothing of my sister, brother in law, and niece, who live in a dinky trailer. You know what just happened to them? Their furnace broke, so now it’s the warm temperature of 35 degrees inside.
I wrote in Icon that my present situation is good because it inspires hope in my family, but as time goes on, will that always be the case? I can’t imagine that nobody will ever be jealous of me. And I deserve it.
I wish things were different.