· Home · December 21, 2011 ·

Insomnia

It’s about 4am. I’m writing this post because I was laying in my bed for over an hour trying to fall asleep. When it’s just you and your thoughts like that, you tend to do a lot of thinking. This post may be less focused than others, but I wanted to log what has been going through my head.

My first train of thought is that I’m incredibly scared how I’m losing my memories of my childhood. I touched on this before last August, but it occurred to me again tonight.

A couple times from when I was 7 to 13 I visited my cousins in Virgina during the summer. Some of my best memories are from down there. They had a great pool, and were a very active family. What set off this fear of losing touch was a specific memory.

It was night and I had settled into bed. It must have been around 10pm. I was alone and struggling to get to sleep. Then I heard a knock on my door. My cousins wanted to know if I wanted to have some cereal with them. I thought it was the most random thing as a kid, but I gladly agreed. We ate cereal in the kitchen and went to bed.

It’s not a particularly “important” memory but it’s one I cherish. And it’s getting increasingly frayed at the edges. I was surprised I remembered it at all. I become incredibly sad at the thought of those memories I used to love but are now lost.

Another train of thought is that I don’t know what my future will be, especially since I’ve started doubting my worth. It would have been amazing if I had gotten that job in California last March, but I didn’t. And now I don’t know where to go from here. When you have a million options to choose from, you get anxiety over which one you should choose. Before, the plan was pretty simple. Go to college, get X degree, apply to jobs that list X degree as a qualification, get hired.

But I’m not in college anymore. I need a couple credits to finish my Associate’s, and despite my desire I will be unable to complete them this spring. Maybe in the summer? Who knows. More doubt.

Aside from that, in spite of my sincerest efforts I still can’t choose between game design and web design. Web design comes easy for me, but I love designing games. I can’t make up my mind. At this point, it seems like I’ll apply to jobs for both and whatever the type of company hires me first is what I’ll be.

Finally, although I am in the final stages of getting my long-fabled driver’s license, it’s not mine yet. And this combined with my being out of school and out of work has resulted in a debilitating lack of social interaction. I miss my friends. I had a meet up with some great friends from high school last month, and I realized that it was a drop in the bucket compared to what I need. I need to see these people more often. And I can’t at the moment and it’s killing me.

I enter 2012 more unsure of myself and my future than ever before.
-Andrew

  • Ed Henry

    Andrew,

    Speaking from the same generation as you, and only being 3 years older than you, I can safely say that those feelings of insecurity with life and with school and an occupation go by the way side once you’ve established yourself. Which will happen in due time.

    If you’ve talked to my wife you would know that I’ve tried a ton of different ideas for work in the last 5 years that we’ve been married. I’ve worked retail, food service, IT, and I’ve even tried my hand at a web design “thing” I will call it. I’d even taken the CT State Police Trooper Trainee entrance exam and turned down a few attempted recruiting offers from them.

    My best advice to you, is to get your license, go out and get a job. Anything, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be in the field you want to work in either. You will find something to learn and take away from every job that you have or will have. And that includes entry level jobs like retail or food service or landscaping, or whatever it is you decide to do. Never discount a learning experience because you think it may not apply exactly to what you’re doing or what you want to do.

    Once you get into a job, I leave you this little bit of wisdom my father shares with me and will share with me for the rest of his life. “Keep your mouth shut, and your eyes and your ears open. And you’ll learn everything you need to know.”

    Also, when it comes to not getting the job in California – I have probably interviewed for somewhere around 25 or 30 jobs that I’ve never even heard back from and another dozen or so that have flat out told me no. Don’t let this discourage you, you just weren’t exactly what they were looking for at the time, but keep your nose to the grind and continue to learn and grow and you might just be what they’re looking for the next time around. :-)

    Oh, and finish the degree now, before you have a family. I can atest to how difficult it is to work full time, go to school full time and have a family. ;-)

    Do a lot of praying, a good amount of hard work, and you will watch all of the peices to the puzzle fall into place.

  • http://about.me/andrewrabon Andrew

    Thanks for the encouragement Ed, exactly what I needed. 2012 will be a year of change I feel, and part of me is scared of what may or may not change. But I have to keep at it. What else is there to do? I can’t give up. I won’t give up.

  • Stephanie Kaufhold

    Life is an unpredicted experience that doesn’t need to be so black and white. I know it is hard to believe since we live in a society that seems to have our lives thought out for us and gives us a guide line as how we are suppose to live: go to school for eight years until you hit high school. Go to high school for four years till you graduate. Go to a university for 4+ years to obtain your degree and with your degree, get a job. With a job live on your own and eventually have kids to push them through the cycle…Then die.

    This is not how we have to live though. I can sympathize with the desire to continue your education; it is a gnawing emotion I have had dwelling within me for the pass few years. I could have gone to college sometime ago. I was in the process of taking a few courses at a community college back in St. Louis before deciding to put it aside to get my life straight.

    Had I gone, I probably would not have moved. Had I not moved, I would be stuck in the same depressing life style I was in. And I would not have the opportunities I have now.

    The point I am trying to make is that you should not feel so bond to a set, organized lifestyle because that cycle is going to be broken. Nothing ever turns out how we plan. So instead, you need to look away from the failures and look at the chances. Take a few risks because you can do more than one thing in life.

    Take a look at Yahtzee.

    He writes for a magazine, a web site, his own enjoyment, has one published novel with a second on the way, a few game series, a web series, AND owns two bars.

    You don’t have to be Andrew the web designer or Andrew the game designer for the rest of your life. You can just be Andrew and show off all the talents you have.

  • http://about.me/andrewrabon Andrew

    Wow, great comment. You’re absolutely right, I can’t believe I didn’t think of things like that… thanks Steph. :)