· Home · August 31, 2011 ·

Memories

Norwich Free Academy at sunset

This is my high school from about a month ago when I visited. It was under heavy construction, although it was always being worked on while I was there. Not because it was falling apart — the opposite, really. They kept building it up.

It just makes me think. How long until it’s unrecognizable? How long until I can’t go there and feel a rush of nostalgia?

Lots of things are buzzing around and past me. Like a slow-capture of traffic, where all the lights are long streaks of bright colors. My 20th birthday is in two weeks, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I like being able to call myself a teenager, I like being young. It makes the small accomplishments and what I’ve learned seem so much more impressive. A new decade of life, that scares me.

Norwich Free Academy at sunset

I cleaned what is essentially my closet last month. I threw away so much, it felt like throwing away my childhood. The stuff I kept was mostly schoolwork or old kid’s magazines. It made me realize that since December 2004, I haven’t thought of or looked back on what came before then. It was all about living in the now, especially in high school, and preserving those memories as I was making them. I didn’t think to preserve the memories of my childhood especially. And now most of them are gone, or frayed, or warped. I feel like I just realized almost half of my life has slipped away, without me even knowing about it.

That’s what being older means I guess. As you go through new experiences, the old ones are pushed out of sight. I don’t know if that’s what I want, but I don’t have a choice. I just have to be more careful in which memories I keep, and which I let myself forget.
-Andrew

  • Stephanie Kaufhold

    I perfectly understand where you are coming from. I went through the same fearful phrase when I was turning 20. I think everyone does after high school.

    It is easy to fantasize about the future when you are living in the security of a youthful bliss. We grow up living in a cruel world but shield ourselves with dreams. Many of the TV shows we watched growing up and stories told to us fill our minds with all these ideas about how we truly can be anything we want to be without reality holding us down. But as we grow up, we begin to see past that imaginary boundary and look at the real world dead in its face. While it is still true that we can achieve what we want, we start to recognize all the things that stand between us and our goals. The money we need to invest, how to get that money, the educations and experience we need, the difficult struggles that follow along with it, and so on…

    What makes it worse is that at that turning point in our lives, the stability we use to have disappear. Since the moment of our births until walking across the stage after our senior year, our life is has been planned out and put before us. For at least 12 years of our life, (if you started in preschool) we know exactly what’s going to happen. Where we need to be, what we’re going to do, and what is going to happen tomorrow. But that all changes. Soon we find ourselves in a position where we are surrounded by uncertainty.

    Soon a wall of responsibility is thrown us. We become in charge of every aspect of our lives. We become responsibility of where we live, what we eat, how we support ourselves, keeping ourselves clothed, etc… Mommy and Daddy no longer take care of us and it’s terrifying.

    But we can make it through it.

    Tonight I drove MY car home… to MY apartment where I turned on MY TV to watch MY Netflix on MY couch while sipping MY Kahlua and browsed on MY laptop supported by MY internet and electricity. It’s scary at times and I find myself stressing out over bills, but the truth is, I really am ok. I easily make enough to support myself but it is still surreal thinking that I am my only supporter and my family lives 900s miles away. Yet at the same time, I love it. I’m living MY LIFE with no restraints.

    You just need to focus on what your strengths are. Naturally, I wanted to have my college degree by now but I haven’t even started yet. My life has not turned out the way I use to dream, but yet it has. I might not be successful here in my early youth. Might not be a fantastic cellist or a well known journalist or a famous author. And I might never be.

    But I’m Rob’s girlfriend.

    And I’ll be damned if I ever trade that for anything.

    Also, theme song for my life currently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50OxHN-hv6c

  • http://about.me/andrewrabon Andrew

    When put like that I guess things don’t seem so bad, but still… I can’t help but think everyone’s situation is different and thus what works for you won’t work for me. I hate the pessimistic line of thinking though. Most of all, I just don’t want to be a deadbeat loser still living with my parents in five years. If I made pennies per month but could live on my own somehow, I’d definitely do that. It’s the best thing for them and me.

  • Stephanie Kaufhold

    As sucky as it may be, you might need to get a job. Everyone starts somewhere so don’t think lesser of yourself if you end up doing some shitty day job. If it pays the bills, then take it.

    Retail is one of the last things I wanted to do for a living, but even though its how I live right now it does not mean I’m going to be doing it for forever. Right now, it’s just what is keeping me going as I get my life started.

    I make enough to pay my rent, bills, and keep myself feed. For now, that’s all I need.

  • http://about.me/andrewrabon Andrew

    I agree, but I also agree it’s a last resort. There’s something I want to try soon that could work out, I’ll talk it over with you in just a bit.

  • Stephanie Kaufhold

    Just saying that if you feel the need to get out of your house, you might want to consider doing that and look for a roommate.

    Or come here to College of Charleston. :P