The time since my last update. I’ve lapsed a month before, but never two!
Ugh. And it’s always around this time, too. Always Fall I have trouble updating. The two times I always look back on and say, “I should have updated,” even knowing that this year… I not only didn’t produce one single entry, I didn’t produce anything!
I’m not really beating myself up over it as I’ve realized that gaps don’t mean anything. But it’s still troubling.
Maybe it’s a sign this blog is dying. I mean, it’s had a pretty good five years. Which I think is an incredible accomplishment. And I made that promise all those years ago, to keep it going until it had hit seven, because I thought I’d lose interest and the promise was a way of me sticking to my guns. It probably isn’t anything to really worry about, but I always do overthink things.
Speaking of “two,” recently, my thoughts have been drifting more and more into romantic waters. I imagine what it would be like to truly have a stable relationship, beyond kid stuff. Connecting on a personal and deep-seeded level. And I always imagine these scenarios with one girl in particular. We’ve been friends for years, but although I see her more than my other friends from high school, that isn’t saying much. I’m pretty much confined to my house and wherever I can get someone to take me since I still don’t have a driver’s license.
And this is quickly becoming the prime reason I want one. Not to just ask her out outright. But to feel her out and try to understand if she feels as I do. It’s a horribly complex situation and I am definitely not an expert in the field. Oddly though, I don’t think I lack the courage to do it, which is typical for nerdy guys like me I guess. I’d rather know for sure than have these visions torment me forever, never knowing what might have happened.
As an aside to all of this I am actually, I think, a remarkably stand-alone individual. The scraps of communication and socializing I get from the internet are more than enough to sustain me in my day to day life. Although I live with my family at the moment, their comradery is just a very welcome perk. And before now, it’s been hard for me to picture structuring my life around someone else. It still is kinda.
I think the above music video demonstrates my situation nicely. He has such desperation in this voice as he’s asking this woman just to talk with him. My freshman English teacher made us listen to this song, which I thought was odd at the time (as it’s a pretty long song just to sit at a desk and listen to), but I thank him for it now. I also thank him that he handed out the lyrics, which I rediscovered some years later – otherwise I might have completely forgotten about it. My heart flares up at this song.
To divest significantly from the current topic, Halloween is over and Christmas is coming up. About a week ago I re-discovered a CD from 1996 that I listened to over 500 times called “Home for Christmas.” I had forgotten everything about it except the CD art and that the last track was “O Come All Ye Faithful.” It looked scratched to hell but after ripping it only one track has something wrong with it (some mild “popping” at the beginning.) Even now after finding it, it’s hard as hell to search for it online. It’s almost a lost gem.
This kicked me into the Christmas spirit like when I was younger. Years ago in elementary school, any day after my birthday (September 16) I could tell you how many days until Christmas. I still remember that from my birthday is 100 days left, and November 1 is 54 days left. And to be honest, even though our family is objectively worse off this year than in any previous year, I feel that only strengthens my spirits. Cut all the materialistic bullshit and we might actually “discover the true meaning of Christmas,” to use a decidedly over-used and corny phrase. But it’s true. I’d trade all the great things I’ve got in the past few Christmases if it meant keeping the balance of things. I’m very fortunate that I still have all my grandparents (and parents, but grandparents are more at the edge), and I thank God every night for that.
I kinda want to talk about the technology (CouchDB/CouchApps!), games (Donkey Kong Country Returns!), and TV shows (The Walking Dead! DBZ Kai! Stargate Universe! Even South Park!) I’m excited about right now, but that Christmas thing seems like a good note to end on. Now that the “gap” is over, it should be easier to post more stuff this month. Merry Christmas.