· Home · January 5, 2009 ·

Renovate

Three years ago, my freshmen year of high school, I posted at the Temple of Andrex that I was writing the first update late at night, before my return from winter break.

Here I am, three years later, doing almost the same thing. Except this time, it’s t-minus two hours before I’d have to get up, and there will be no reprieve from a snow storm. I’ve stayed up all night before a school day twice before, I believe once every year starting with my sophomore year, so this isn’t anything totally new.

Some things never change… “And some things do.” Wise words from Niobe of The Matrix Reloaded. Those two sentences perfectly sum up my predicament right now, and recently I’ve been able to nail down exactly the point of my contradiction: I love my past, my history. I adore my pre-high school state of limbo especially, to the point where I yearn each and every winter since then to return to it. But as I move further and further away from it, as I lose more and more clarity of my memories from back then, and as I become a more and more different person than I was… even if my core is the same, I’m losing my ability to look at the past and wish I could travel back a little.

But I still want to, and this is precisely what’s causing the split within me. So from now on, I’m going to try hard not to look at the past anymore, and not wander around campus at lunch reminiscing. I’ve always been deeply entrenched in my accomplishments and favorite memories, but to move forward as a person, I’m going to have to cut back eventually. When I’m in college, there’s a 99%+ chance that I won’t have any classes with any of my friends, that I won’t see them more than once in a great while. After we’re dispersed, what will I do? Will I be constantly stuck on the past, reliving my favorite moments? How pathetic would that be? I think I’m entering the penultimate phase of my maturation into adulthood.

Gosh I’m scared though. I’m scared, not because of any monsters or boogeyman, but by the cold hard truth that after graduation, I’ll probably be alone.

Just like before high school.
-Andrew

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13455119012743580547 Steph

    The state of mind you are entering now is the state of mine I’ve been battling with for the past year. The transition from high school to college or life is something I can only describe as being surreal. Up to this point, you spend most of your life preparing for this very moment. I don’t know how many times throughout my school life I dreamed of graduating because I wanted out. It felt like that day of freedom would never come but then my senior year rushed up on me. Soon we started talking about graduating practices and I got my cap and robe…And then all of the sudden, in a matter of moments – enough for a handshake and a think, small folder to be handed to me- I was done. It was just me and the world.

    Needless to say, I felt completely unprepared for life after I graduated. (Even though I was promoted a week later.) I saw my senior friends rush off to colleges with some of them even going out of state. I saw my under classmen friends go back to the simple, secure life of school, knowing that tomorrow would be the same as yesterday. But where did I stand?

    I stand here never knowing what tomorrow will bring. My school plans? Start going to community college to get my basics done and then transfer to a university (or personally, a writing/art school). So far, I’ve made very little effort down the path of college, despite the heavy pressure from my family. They’re ideas are built on tradition- hell, I was told I was wasting time since I didn’t go directly into a 4 year university right after high school – yet despite what they believed, I knew that I would go to college and I would get a better education because it’s what I want. I just didn’t want to rush into it because I see no point in paying for something I’m not sure about. It would be like trying to go through a maze blindfolded.

    I wanted to make sure that I was serious about wanting to peruse something in the writing field before taking a bunch of courses and I wanted a back up plan in case my writing didn’t take me anywhere. I wanted another field I could specialize in and I also wanted a secure job. That’s why even though my family’s pissed that I haven’t registered for a single class yet, I don’t care. Right now with my job, I hold a lot of potential and there’s a chance that it might pay off here soon. I personally knew that if I took a class or two, I wouldn’t do any of the work because right now, the only thing on my mind is proving that I deserve another promotion.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is…There’s no rush with anything. Movies, TV shows, books, etc…all paint the picture that everyone goes to college out of high school and that everyone has decent paying jobs and that everyone leaves home at 18. (But here I am at 19 and I’m still here with no plans on leaving until I know I’ll be able to financial support myself.) Of course college is important but even though society says we need to hurry to it, doesn’t mean we’ll be failures at life for taking some time off.

    I’ve talked to a bunch of people over this topic for a year now and a lot of people I know said they were happy they took a year or so off to figure things out before starting school. Other wise, they said they would have wasted time and money on something they didn’t really like. If you know you want a better job and if you know you want to make something out of yourself…You’ll go when you’re ready.

    As for everything else like moving out and stuff, there’s no reason to move out at 18 unless you win the lottery or have one hell of a great job. Sure, the idea of being on your own sounds great; I’ve love to have my own place but there’s no way I could have afforded it. Remember, there’s more than just rent. You have all your bills, your food, your clothing, your car, doctor visits, etc… If you think you can afford it or if you know some people your age whom you trust to move in with, then by all means go for it. If not, then just stick around at home until you get your feet planted.

    The bottom line is this: you’re going to feel out of place. You’re going to feel scared. You’re going to feel like the world is rushing past you. It’s just all apart of maturing and realizing that you’re no long a kid. Everything falls on you now but if you keep your head on straight and take things a step at a time, you’ll do fine.

    As for your friends…Things happen. Some you’ll sadly drift away from; others you might keep. You can try to keep in touch with them, try to see each other every once in awhile but the fact of the matter is people do change. However, your true friends will stick beside you as long as you make an effort to reach out to them. Even now, a year later, I still manage to see some of my underclassmen friends and some of my senior friends. Others, I’ve sadly lost touch with. It’s something that over the years (I’ve been through some shit), I’ve come to accept. Due to my past, I was scared of the same thing: of losing those close to me. But with calling once in awhile, seeing a movie or going to mall, throwing a party here and there…We’ve managed to keep that friendship alive and even though I might not have as many friends as I did in school, I have a better quality in friends now. I’m sure the same will happen to you.

  • http://www.andrewrabon.com/ Andrew

    Thanks Kumi, that must have been a little hard work typing all that. It’s great to have real life examples to back up what I was thinking. I hope you the best of luck with your situation.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13455119012743580547 Steph

    No problem, and thanks.